Rating -

Comedy (US); 1998; Rated PG-13; 115 Minutes

Cast
Scott Bakula: Gus Cantrell
Corbin Bernsen: Roger Dorn
Dennis Haysbert: Pedro Cerrano
Takaaki Ishibashi: Taka Tanaka
Jensen Dagget: Maggie Reynolds
Bob Uecker: Harry Doyle
Eric Klotter: Rube Baker
Ted McGinley: Leonard Huff

Produced by James G. Robinson; Directed and Screenwritten by John Warren

Review Uploaded
8/14/98

In all my life, I have only seen a handful of movies that are so bad that they made me want to scream. Luckily, these films don't pop up often: they circulate through the minds of brain-dead producers and directors, and after coming to the realization that they are sinning against the film industry, these movies don't even see the light of day. Unfortunately, when they do come onto the film screen, people would like nothing more than to kill their creators.

"Major League: Back To The Minors" is exactly like that: audiences would like nothing more than to crush the skulls of its creators with a baseball bat after seeing it. Who could blame them? This is a movie that is so preposterously bad that I can't even believe it is allowed to play on theater screens.

The plot is scetched out in absolute simplicity. It involves a few of the characters from the previous "Major League" films. Some of them, for apparent reasons, wind up back in the minor leagues which, once they get there, are loaded with several players who are all trying to make it to the majors. So, with their experience, they feel they need to help them accomplish their goals. Most of these players don't cooperate that often: they either disobey the other players advice, or do exactly the opposite of what they are told. In other words, they are completely incompetent.

Ho, ho, ho. Like we really care. Anyone who has seen the previous "Major League" films knows how they go: they have a bad start of the season, eventually go to the playoffs, and marginally win. This is a plot that is only good once, so immediately, audiences should realize that sequels to the "Major League" film are not funny, or entertaining, or worth a dime. You don't even need to see the film to realize it.

Generally speaking, "Major League" wasn't funny to begin with. Stuff that involved bones crunching and heads rolling is just not funny. "Major League," among other stupid things, had humor that involved people getting hit with baseball bats and being knocked to the ground by foul pitches. "Major League: Back To The Minors" uses all of these old tricks, but much more of them, and often times they look and sound more painful than they probably really are. This is not funny: Things that hurt people or make their bones crunch are not funny. Let me make it clear: IT IS NOT FUNNY!

I am going to kick myself for weeks for actually giving this film the time of day. After sitting through its painful two hours I have realized what this film, and probably others like it, actually need:

Police officers standing at the theater entrances where this movie is playing to arrest people who are going to see it. Or, if people manage to get into the theater, there should be someone standing by with a baseball bat to knock them completely unconscious.

No one feels like a viewer at this movie: they feel like they are strapped to a dentist's chair and having teeth pulled without Novocain. People that crack even the smallest smile here obviously need therapy, and those who laugh once, or twice, or even all the way through the film obviously have mental deficiencies.

Believe me, there are movies that aren't funny and still have redeeming value. See those instead, if you are the type of person who laughs at unfunny comedies.

However, if you, under any certain little circumstance, have the stupidity to go see "Major League: Back To The Minors," I will personally hit you in the head with a baseball bat!